I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
