Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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