At least make sure they are 18
Why
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I want a musical about memes.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
