If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
