I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
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