My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
