dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
