the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
