my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
