The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
