I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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