you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
high people should be assigned attendants
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
