Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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