there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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