You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
We talked him into tasing himself.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
