Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
