seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
