She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
