Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
