it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
