I am puke
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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