in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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