dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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