Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
