Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
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