i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
