Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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