I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
