I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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