The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
