The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
