APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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