just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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