And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
