I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
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What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize