Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
she smelled like a LAN party
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
