first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Randomize
