My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
