there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
