The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
