So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
