even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
