You really coming over, don't trick.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
