At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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