you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
