I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
