Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
