Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
