i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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