I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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