I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
