I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
