a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
