She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Randomize
