why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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