It's like God shit irony all over that family
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
But theres a keg here and me gusta
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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