i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
