Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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