if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Dick very happy bro
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
