allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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