sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Randomize
