She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
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