the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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