it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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