I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
you never un-have a 4some
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
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